This ain’t no ‘itsy-bitsy’ spider crawlin’ up the wall…

I’m afraid my 3 or so loyal readers may be wondering what exactly happened to me this weekend… Well, my lack of loyalty to you and to the blog was partially due to an overwhelming amount of work to do over the weekend after my week in Lilongwe, as well as a couple of power failures on Saturday and Sunday, for about 3 hours and 5 hours, respectively. Only one loyal reader made a claim on the free gin offer, so I decided that this time I could oblige. So, Heather Donovan (not my sister), Congratulations! You’re the first reader to both make a claim and actually win a free bottle of gin for noticing my missed daily blog entries!! The good thing is that Heather lives in my area, so I can hand-deliver the bottle to her upon my return visit in mid-December. Merry Christmas, Heather! (Ya, Heather's a lucky name for special blog contests/prizes so far...)

So, I know I owe all of you lovely faithful readers several stories and pictures from my trip to Lilongwe, which are definitely on the way. However, this post is dedicated to something which has happened since my return from the capital. This experience has proven to be the most traumatic of my existence so far in Malawi. No. Let me re-phrase that. The most traumatic of my LIFE. Why, you ask? Well, let me tell you. As you may have already deduced from the title, it involves an 8-legged creature affectionately known by most humans as a spider. However, what I saw last night was not a spider. It was a beast. It could have a battle with that monster spider in ‘Lord of the Rings’ and actually win. This was something from another world. And no, I was too busy jumping around screaming to get a picture of it, though I did have a camera around, both times I saw one of these creatures. Oh, ya. Not just once, but twice.

Let me tell this story from the beginning. The time: Yesterday (Sunday) evening, around 8 p.m. The place: Sister Anastasia’s house. The occasion: Her adopted daughter Agnes’ belated birthday party. The setting: The living room, after a lovely meal followed by banana bread cooked in a traditional Malawian oven (i.e. buried in the ground—-sidenote… I need to learn how to do this…).

Back to the point. The scene went something like this. I was chatting with the priest from the church the Sister belongs to following dinner (sorry, his name escapes me). I honestly cannot remember exactly what we were talking about before the ‘incident’ (a clear sign of trauma):

Me (upon sight of a small bug crawling across the floor): Oh, what is that crawling on the floor?

Priest: Oh, that’s just one of the small insects that come out during the rainy season. Don’t worry, they don’t bite! (meanwhile, the bug crawls under his chair)

Me: Yes, I noticed there seem to be a lot more insects, especially flying insects now that the rains came.

Priest: Yes, they usually come out this time of year (the bug then crawls out from under the chair again).

Me: Oh, there it is again! (feigning excitement).

Suddenly, at around the same time, this MONSTROUS bug comes crawling out of nowhere. At first, I thought it was a scorpion (incidentally, I had a similar experience in Mexico, and it WAS a scorpion, so flashbacks ensue…)

Me (jumping up in sheer panic): OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT???

Priest: (completely calm, as if it’s a meer ant). Oh, that’s just another bug that comes out this time of year.

Me (still jumping around like an insane kangaroo): AAAH! JESUS! (Ya, I said that in front of a priest an a nun) THAT thing is MASSIVE!

Priest: Oh, don’t worry. It won’t bite!

(Meanwhile, the huge, hairy beast begins climbing up the wall, and I’m practically climbing up the opposite wall).

Me: OH MY GOD!!! Is that a scorpion?

Sister Anastasia: No, it’s just an insect.

Me: It looks like a spider! Is it a spider?

Sister: No. (I'm still not sure why she denied the fact that it was a spider...)

Me: I gotta get outta here! (Meanwhile, the young girls Pamela and Agnes, along with Deliwe were out on the porch. They decide to come in to see what all the racket's about, as I’m frantically trying to run out of there.)

Deliwe: Jen! What’s wrong?

Me: Spider! Spider! I can’t go in there!

Deliwe: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! (hysterically laughing)

Pamela: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! (equally hysterical)

Agnes: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! (even more hysterical)

Sister & Priest: Snicker, snicker, snicker (Trying to hide their hysteria)

At this point, Deliwe takes off her shoe, as I peek in to take a look, just before she aims it at the doomed beast. Of course, I can’t look.

Afterward, she somehow transports the spider outside away from my view. Meanwhile, everyone at the party is still having a good laugh at my distress, as I’m hysterical from fear, and they’re hysterically amused.

Me: (To all, especially the young girls) Aren’t you afraid of those things?

Pamela & Agnes: No. (HEE HEE HEE HEE!)

Sister: We are used to them. They’re part of our life here.

Amazingly, no one in the room was phased AT ALL by the presence of this huge, hairy, 8 legged mutant ninja spider. Either there’s something wrong with them, or something wrong with me. I’m betting on the latter.

Later that evening, the same scene played out again, but this time in my house, at around 11 p.m., at least an hour after Deliwe went to bed. This scene is much shorter:

I walk into my bedroom, and immediately see a big, black bug, which I determine later is a cockroach. However, it didn’t look like one at first. I’m not completely freaked out, but a bit disturbed. I manage to pick it up on a broom and flush it down the toilet. As I return from the kitchen after putting the broom away, I spot another one of those mutant ninja spiders as it comes bounding out of my bedroom.

Me: OH MY GOD!! ANOTHER ONE!!

Spider silently crawls across floor in front of me at lightning speed.

Me: OOHHH! MY! GOD! OHH! MYYY! GOOOOOD!!

I manage to work my way around the beast and go back and get the broom from the kitchen, hoping to sweep the monster out the door. As I attempt to do so, I’m literally having a major cow.

Me: OOOH, SHIT!! OOOH, F---K!!! OOH, MY F---KIN GOD!! (Ya, good thing the priest and nun weren’t around…)

Meanwhile, the spider manages to run behind the small refrigerator in the dining area, out of sight. Finally, Deliwe wakes up and comes to my rescue.

Deliwe: (looking tired and visibly --but understandably-- annoyed): Jen, what’s wrong?

Me: Spider! Spider!

Deliwe: Where? (Clearly not laughing anymore)
Me: I don’t know… It went down…(pointing toward refrigerator)…. AHH!! THERE it is!!

The massive beast was just mocking me, sitting on the wall in the dining area, as if he owned the joint (which he probably would if it weren’t for Deliwe my savior.)

Me: Can you kill it?

Deliwe: (Calmly grabbing a shoe from her bedroom) Yes.

Me: OK, I can’t look… I’ll be over here (walking down hallway towards bedroom… actually, more like jumping, hopping psychotically down the hallway…)

Deliwe’s shoe: SMACK!

I decide to stop being such a hysterical baby and come out to see the dead beast. It didn’t help. It was still a massive, hairy, leggy, nasty thing, and even worse belly up and dead. Incidentally, as she was sweeping it out the door, she did confirm to me that the beasts will bite if you accidentally touch them somehow... AAH, THE HORROR! Not only that, but she also made a comment, very calmly, by the way, to the effect of, "Oh, this is a small one. They get much bigger than this." Ya, I don't expect to survive a sighting of a bigger one... I'm bracing myself for the loony bin or sudden death.

Let’s just say I didn’t sleep very well last night, and I’m constantly checking the floors and walls for spiders. Thank God for the mosquito net. I tucked it in good and tight last night… just hope nobody gets in there with me before the dry season starts. When is that? April? I’ll NEVER MAKE IT! I’m still completely traumatized. I’m lookin for those bloody things everywhere now, like a paranoid whacko. And they don’t bother people here a bit! This is the thing that amazes me most. How can I learn to face that ugly, huge, hairy, leggy thing calmly? I’ll have to consult my Malawian friends out there in cyberspace. Any advice for a seriously psychotically arachnophobic Mzungu? Help me, please!!

With that final thought, I’ll sign off for today. Tiwonana Mawa! (If I don’t get eaten by a huge, hairy, mutant spider before then... Wish me luck! And LOTS of it!)